he-was-the-flame-inside-of-me:

I want to say goodbye, but I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve been hurting myself for months, dragging this on, dreading this moment. But I can’t do this anymore. I’m not a priority anymore; I’m an option. I can’t continue feeling this way. I need to say goodbye, and it’s hard, but it has to happen. This hurts more than you know. But I can’t focus anymore. All I do is overthink everything when it comes to you. I make up all these scenarios in my head but I’m really starting to wonder if they’re just scenarios, or if they’re real. There’s more important things going on in my life right now but all I can think about is you. I’m remembering all these things that we’ve done, that have happened to us, and it hurts. It hurts so fucking much. I don’t want to say goodbye, but I think I have to. Goodbyes are hard, I hate them so much that I literally cannot say “goodbye” to anyone without having a panic attack. Goodbye feels so final. I don’t want final. I want this to work; to last. But I don’t know if it will. I don’t know if it can. It’s hurting me, and I think it’s hurting you too. I think it’s time for us to say goodbye, but I don’t know if either of us can handle it. If I say it first, I’ll feel awful. But if you say it first, I think it will break my heart, and I don’t think I can handle that right now. I don’t know what to do. I want help. I want answers. I need to let you go and I can’t because I love you and you’re supposed to love me to but I can’t help but question if you really do. You used to be so happy, you used to prove that you loved and cared for me. Why did you stop? What happened? Did I do something to make you stop doing that? I’m so unhappy all the time, and I think you got tired of that. I would too. I don’t know why you’ve put up with me for this long, but I don’t think you should any longer. I think it’s time for us to say goodbye…

I wrote this maybe a month or two before we broke up. It still hurts. But we never actually said goodbye.

years. months. weeks. days. hours. minutes. seconds.

it’s all bullshit.

it’s never going to pass. it’s never going to be over.

“Time heals everything!”

bullshit. 

time doesn’t do shit.

don’t try and cheer me up or give me false hope with that bullshit. because no matter how long it’s been. no matter what happens. 

it still. fucking. hurts.

so fuck you and your time bullshit. 

time isn’t real anyways.

it starts off with not calling as much

then, not texting as much

soon, not seeing each other as much

later, hanging out with other girls/guys

then, texting once or twice per day, per week, per month

eventually, you’re just strangers once again. 

I feel like this is all my fault. Everything is my fault and I can’t fix it. I can’t. I don’t have the energy to fix it anymore. Maybe we were never meant to be.